Cry My Heart Out Loud!!!!
Saturday, April 2, 2011So my diary can't load my feelings anymore.
I'll just spill it here, everything I thought while writing this.
First of all, my parents...my own family.
Sadly, they had lost their believe in me. No more faith in me.
Mom recently said I'm an awful child, forgetting what she had done to me, for my success.
Told me that I abandoned her and Dad all these time.
Don't even want to spend times at home when I have holidays.
Always get angry with own family especially my own sister.
Dear mom,dad and sister.
I'm writing with all my heart.
Please don't say that to me again.
Please don't accused me again and again.
Very tired that I feel like dying now.
I never abandoned you, never in my life.
You just said that words to me, do you think I don't have any feelings?
Do you know how i feel living here alone?
No, I've been living alone on myself for 5 years.
Do you know how much I need to bear the pain?
Do you know how i endure it?
I remember you faces in my mind.
Every time I cries, lonely, painful inside.
Who don't want their mom and dad beside them??
But me, I have to endure all these pains because
I remember what you had sacrifice for me.
Don't simply accused me with those cursing words
I'm here because of both of you.
I'm envied by my friends,
They have mom that can prepare breakfast for them, cook their favorite food during lunch, take them out for dinner,
They have dad that can send and pick them at school, give advice to study hard everyday, give opinions about their children's future.
All that I do by myself with some sympathy from other family.
Better than I live all myself alone.
And because of a small mistake, but big to you, it only once.
I never repeat it again. Never...
Is this what i should get for what I've sacrificed?
Ask sister if she can do it like me. No she won't.
My friends are everything to me as both of you are not right by side.
All i'm asking is not a forgiveness, i know i can be forgive.
All i ask is believe me as you child. Just keep a little faith in me.
I really want to be in my home with my mom and dad and sister. even in a small house.
Even i need to starve for food, if i live with you,i'm full.
But i know, the really is it just a virtual, a dream that never comes true.
I bear the sacrifice, I don't have any boyfriend, just like you want. So i love K-pop.
I concentrate on my study, i try to get good marks and results.
All i want is just free from family problems.
Just keep a little faith in me.
I love you with all my heart.
I'll try to keep my head up and bear the pains for you.
Dear my friends,
I don't know what you all feel about me.
But all I know is I'm not a good friend instead.
I know I have a great ego, arrogant, sarcastic and a lot more bad things.
My English is freaking bad, very bad but here i would write.
I know i'm not your standard. i'm just a teen that try to have a lot of friends that in fact i can't have.
i'm a bad person. always serious with you all.
Here i'm gonna tell you one thing.
I love you within my heart.
I do everything you all ask me to do even though i don't do such that thing.
why? because i appreciate my friends in mt heart.
yes, i don't show i love people in front of them cause i'm ego.
but none of my friends can understand me really well.
i always try to understand yourselves and i do it again and again.
but sometimes i'm tired of it. only me working out.
i felt abandon and disappointed.
i'm sorry for having bad thought of you all
and i don't expecting to have a great thought from you all.
I've learn not to trust to friends too much like before.
I've beard the pain of being neglected.
people just forget me like that when they close to me.
i don't want that, i just want someone that i can share my thoughts, feelings, and many more.
But i still love you.
Dear my belove sister,
You might hate me right now.
But i need to write this for you to remind always.
I bear to be your sister all this time, proudly.
but just sometime, i regret that i have a sister like you.
As a person that had been through the life of a teenager, as a sister to you,
i'm here to tell you, to have some respect to me.
Do you know how hurt it is when i need to mad at you?
I'm tired of these unprofitable things.
i have a lot more to think.
i'm here by myself, away from my family.
and you have the opportunity to be with them
you should be thankful you know??
i'm angry and mad at you, why? why should i do that?
because you is my sister, the only sister i have.
i never have any sister else like you do.
don't too trust people that you don't even see by your eyes
don't put too much hope on them.
they can give you nothing that joy and a temporary excitement.
this world is too cruel to the human that don't drive their path correctly.
we need to know our beginning and ending so we won't stray away from our job.
This are the people i love the most.
I'm writing this in the most sorrow feeling of bad day.
Please remember i'm holding a big burden on my back but i don't mind it.
Just understand me, that should be more than enough for me to live my life.