The story has just begun…
Friday, December 16, 2011‘Mom, look here! I’m going to Korea!’
The letter I received yesterday stated that I’ve received a scholarship to further my study.
‘What is the university’ my dad asks.
`Hmm…Kyung Hee University, South Korea in post-modern music course’
My dream had come true. I’m over the moon without knowing something is waiting for me there…
When the first day at the university arrives, I feel that everyone are staring at me as I’m the only girl that wear a t-shirt and jeans, I though.
`Sorry, I’m late to class now’ I run as fast as I could.
I found my class and it has started. The lecturer welcomes me warmly. I’m so nervous.
`You might sit there’.
`WHAT! BESIDES A MAN! NO!’
I walk slowly towards the table and sit.
The man beside me faced me and holds his hand to greet me.
`My name is Park Yoochun. Nice to meet you.’ He starts the chat.
`Hi. Nice to meet you too’.
`You’re new here, right?’ he asks while writing some notes.
`Yea,’ I reply.
`What’s your name?
The first class of the semester is short as introducing the course.
The class end before I tell my name. He hands me a note before rushing to the door.
He is at the door when I read the note.
~Sorry, got to go to work ~
~You should change your fashion. Your like a man~
~Call me, wasurenaide~
After having my dinner, I ask my sister whether I should call or not.
`You must call him. Don’t you know who is he???’ Min Ai says.
I’m in dilemma. Just know him. At last I call.
`Hmm, can I talk to Park Yoochun?’ I’m nervous.
`Ooo, I’m so sorry. He’s asleep. Maybe too tired.’ A young man answer.
`Who are you? Wanna leave a message?’
`Never mind. I’m his friend, Min-yue,’
Start from that, we got closer and closer without any of us recognizing it. I was so happy whenever we went out together, like studying together at the library, bought some stuff together for project. We really became best friend.
I’ve bare the fact of being a friend of one of the members of the most popular pop group in Korea. I’ve learned to be more brave and patient.
Today is very meaningful to me. He brings me to his house to meet his hyungs, a week later after we’ve known each other.
I’m so nervous.
‘Anyeong…Dong Bang Shin Ki mida’ they greet me warmly.
`So this girl makes you don’t…’one of his hyung says.
`Not this time, hyung.’ Yoochun stared at him.
`let me introduce, this is Junsu dolphin, Jaejoong, Yunho…where is….’he stop there. Junsu mocks at him. So cute.
A music heard from a room, `piano,’ I though.
Yoochun pull my hand to a room and found it.
`This is Changmin,’ he tells me.
`Anyeong….hyung,’ I startled.
That man stops playing and faced me. I’m totally shocked.
`That man…I know him...’
`Anyeong min-yue,’ he smiled.
After Yoochun leave the class on the first day, a voice ask my name.
`Min-yue, nice to meet you,’ I answer while rushing to keep my books.
‘Lets have a walk outside,’ he point to a big, hugh, shady tree at the park.
Everyday after class, I will run to the tree where I can found a man that is holding a book, even just for a second before walking back home with Yoochun.
I always ask for his name but he refuse to tell me.
‘One day you will know,’ he smiles.
I cannot sleep that night. Thinking of the incident.
`why didn’t you tell me who are you,’ my heart shout.
Next day, I get a fever. Very enough not to go to class.
I sleep for the rest of the day until evening when Yoochun come to visit me.
`Are you okay? You look so pale,’ he says caringly.
`I’m find,’ I say irony. The true is I feel very weak even to raise my hand.
Yoochun is very caring as he cooks a chicken porridge for me.
‘Hopes you can get well soon’
That night, I’m surprised with a visit from Changmin.
‘I know from Yoochun that you’re sick,’
‘You have the cure,’ I laugh.
He brings a cd and a song heard from the player.
‘A love song…’
Miduhyo …chonnune banhandanun marur miduhyo
Gudaeyegen anirago marhajiman
Narur gyongsorhage baraburgabwa
(I believe…I believe that one can fall in love at first sight)
(Though I told you that it wasn’t possible)
(I only hid this thought from you because I was afraid)
(That you would look at me as if I was careless and hasty)
`I want you sing for me…tonight??’ I ask him.
`Hmm, I will, specially for you to cure,’ he whisper at my ear.
Sore demo kimi ga boku no soba nara to itte mo,
Eien ni kimi ga shiawase de iru koto,
Tatoe sore ga donna ni sabishkute mo,
(But still, even you leave my side)
(I’m only praying that you)
(May be happy for eternity)
(No matter how sad that would make me)
(No matter how lonely)
I feel like in heaven. I don’t remember what time I fall asleep.
Next day, I find a note beside me when I’m rushing to the classes.
-Meet me under the hugh tree-
I run to the tree and find out Yoochun playing Miduhyo with piano. I’ve lost my words. He stops playing and hold my hand.
‘What the hell is going on?’ I though.
`Will you be my girlfriend?’ he smiled.
A shadow behind a tree smiled at me. It’s Changmin. He nodded to me and makes me nodded to Yoochun. I saw tears flowing from his eyes.
`Thank you, Min-yue’ Yoochun hugged me.
But I know that I’ve break his heart.
That night I go to DBSK house to see Changmin.
`Hi Min-yue. Are you okay? Why you come here?’ Yunho open the door.
Yoochun saw me and want to hug me.
`No!’ I shouted at him .He’s shocked.
`I mean I’m sweating,’ I denied.
My eyes are looking for Changmin but I don’t found him.
Junsu clap my shoulder.
`He’s not here. Maybe at the park, you know, searching for fresh air,’
`Did he say anything?’ I ask rashly.
`Don’t lie to me, hyung. Please….’
`I can’t tell you. He might mad at me, I’m sorry, Min-yue’
I start crying and fainted at the kitchen.
I don’t remember where I sleep but maybe at DBSK’s house because of the man perfume smelled in the room.
I wake up at the midnight and hear music from their work room. Sound so sad and hollow.
`Why did you do that?’ I ask as I’m holding back the tears.
`Because I love you,’ he says with his smile.
`But if you love me, why you do that?’ I know he is joking.
`Because….I loves both Yoochun and you. I have no choice, Min-yue,’ he muttered.
I can’t hold my tears anymore. Immediately let it flow.
`Uljima,’ he wiped my tears.
`Now, go back to sleep,’ he pull my hand back to bed.
`I will sing to you, a lullaby…,’he smiled.
About a month DBSK go for a show at Japan. About a month I live without my men. Without nice Yoochun, without caring Changmin.
`Tomorrow they will come back,’ I though.
`I’m going to make some cookies for them’
Next day, I bring them to Yoochun.
`So delicious like you,’ he laughs.
After class, I lie to Yoochun that I want to go to library and told him to wait for me there.
Actually, I want to meet Changmin under a hugh tree where he always sits.
Suddenly I saw he walks with a girl. Not a girl but a woman, a long hair woman.
My tears flow from my eyes and the cookies fall from my hands. I run as fast as I could to avoid him.
Changmin saw min-yue and keep acting like that woman is his girlfriend.
`Never mind. I think you should stop pretending. Poor Min-yue. She deserved your love, you know,’ Kyo-hyun said while hugging the teary Changmin.
Changmin picks the cookies and eat it.
`very delicious, thank you’ he cry again.
I meet Yoochun at library and hug him tightly.
`What will you do if I leave you?’ I ask a very stupid question.
`What?! No way! No…no... No... Why, Min-yue,’ he looks very worry.
`Nothing, I think I want to go back to my home town this holidays’ I lie.
`Okay,’ he smiled.
It’s been a week since I saw Changmin hugging another girl. He didn’t even ask apologize and talk to me. He just ignored me. When I saw him like he was hurting himself. I want to forget him. I wanted him to move away from my heart. My heart was just too unbearable when I saw him.
One night, Kyo-hyun comes to my house.
`What do you want?’
`I will explain everything tonight,’
I run in the rain to the park where I cry as I could.
`Sometimes when its raining, I go outside and walk course this does the only time I can cry without anyone know,’ Changmin say it when it start to rain.
I run to the hugh tree and cry. This tree means so much to me. Everything happens here.
`Why this should happen to me, why…,’I shout to the tree.
Suddenly, I saw a man wearing white suits beside a white piano.
He wipes my tears and pulls my hands to sit beside him.
He plays a Romanization-Bolero.
At a moment, the song end and he stands up.
He walks through a light and smiled through.
`Where are you going?’ I shout my tears flows very fast.
`Don’t leave me!!’
I want to ask but when I open my mouth all that comes out is,
Next day, I found myself lying under the tree. I think I’m dreaming. But I saw Kyo-hyun running towards me.
`You! Wake up!’ she shout at me.
`Look what you have done!’
`What I’ve done? I’m puzzled.
`Follow me,’ she pulls my hand.
We reach the hospital. I see Jaejoong cry at Yunho shoulder. Junsu like a lost person. When he watches me, he cries.
‘Kyo-hyun, that’s not her fault,’ Junsu wipes his tears.
`what happen?’ I ask while gripping to Kyo-hyun’s hand tightly.
`why are you crying? Junsu hyung, what happen, tell me what happen,’ my hearts beat up faster.
Jaejoong pull my hand into a room. There a bed with something being covered with white blanket.
`Be patient. That is...’ Jaejoong sounds dead, monotonous.
‘What is this, hyung?’
He left me with a chair.
There a million things I would have liked to asked, but the knot in my throat grows larger with every beat of my heart and so I can only sit there and stare at it.
I open the blanket and saw Changmin face. Lifeless.
`What happen?’ I shake the body vigorously.
`You’re not joking, right?’
I don’t want to believe what I was seeing; I just want to believe that he was just sleeping peacefully but know it wasn’t true.
`NO!!!!!!!!!!!’ I shout and touch his face.
Other people outside burst into the room.
Yunho hold me.
`Be patient, Min-yue.’ Junsu’s voice is thick, barely recognizable.
`What happen, hyung, what happen?’
`Don’t lie to me this time, hyung. Don’t torture me anymore,’ I shout to Junsu and push him.
Yunho start while wiping his tears.
`We went out from a restaurant and Yoochun found a shop that sold a very beautiful dress. He always said that Min-yue never wear a dress before.’
`While crossing the road, a car suddenly rushes towards him.’
`Changmin realizes it and try to grab him but…...’
`The scene was so fast,’
`Changmin push Yoochun to the roadside while he got knocked with the car,’
`Doctor tries to save him but…’
‘Yoochun still at the ICU. He injured his head.’
`The last word he said was Min-yue…mianhe’
I lost my strength and sited to the ground. Yunho help me to get up. I buried my head into his shoulder as only that I could do.
`I want to see Changmin.’ I beg.
They left me with the lifeless figure.
`Why did you leave me?’ I touch his hand. Cold and pale.
`You promise to accompany me, forever, is it?’
`Just don’t leave me alone under the hugh tree.’
I start to snivel again but his face act like don’t want me to cry.
`you’re the only one for me to be accompany, you know?’ he say when we are walking home.
`Hmm, I know.’ I answer with smile to him.
`I won’t leave you,’ I touch his face.
`Even if I leave you?’ he looks into my eyes.
`Why you say that?’
`Just promise me,’
`Yes. I won’t leave you,’
He smiles like an angel.
`You had forfeited everything, you know.’
`For me and Yoochun.’
`Who will sing to me tonight?’
`Sorry for throwing the biscuits,’
`You’re only throbbing yourself more, you should have told me!’
`Kyo-hyun had explain to me,’
`Mianhe,’ I can’t hold my tears anymore.
This time I cry, there isn’t Changmin to swab away the tears anymore.
`Sweet dreams, oppa,’
I’m standing at the park, alone. I tried to look around, feeling his soul with me but the wind is harsh, cold, biting into my skin. There is nothing left under the hugh tree to mark the fact that Shim Changmin had once been there. It all happened so quickly, it was like he just meets me yesterday and now, he’s gone.
`This letter is what Changmin write and give to me before. Uljima,’ Jaejoong give it to me after the funeral, his eyes alight with worry.
`Gamsaheyo, hyung,’ I try to smile but I can’t.
I can feel my whole body tremble and I somehow reluctant to open the note, since I know this will be the last I will ever read. A last letter from Changmin.
Wait me under the hugh tree again.
- Changmin -
I run as fast as I could to the tree but there isn’t anyone there.
`Stupid dumbass liar,’ I say to the air, with laugh sound so depressed.
`How could I trust the death?’
I stared at a yellow leaf hang at the tree. I wonder if the leaf likes to stay on the tree. Maybe it wants to join the others on the ground- death meant nothing compared to being alone with the love one.
I leaned towards the tree and watch a couple of bird flying in the sky. Although it's a beautiful day, why is that only tears fill my eyes?
Suddenly, my eyes are closed with hands. When I open my eyes, there is a man standing in front of me wearing white suits.
I tried to tell myself that this is not real; this is probably one of those made-up hallucinations. But as I touch his face, I can’t help but believe that this is it, this is the truth, he is here, real.
`You know, goodbye mark new beginnings, which means we’ll meet again,’ Changmin smiled at me.
`The earth never stop spinning,’ he touch my head.
`Min-yue, I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to start, so let me start by an apology. I’m sorry, for keeping this too long. I want to tell you but I guess I never managed to do that,’ Changmin embrace my hand.
`I’ve already forgive you.’ I murmured. No more tears to shed.
`No matter what happens I will always love you. I will always be by your side no matter where I am,’ a tear flow from his eye.
`Uljima,’ I wipe his tears.
‘I’m the blameworthy one,’ I said once.
`He loves you, Min-yue. Not me. Don’t you realize all the attention he gives to you?’ Kyo-hyun stares at me.
‘I don’t believe it. It’s not more than a lie,’ I shout to her.
‘If he does, why is he hugging you?’
‘Because he loves you, he sacrifice everything,’
‘You know, I only love Park Yoochun but he choose you, the lucky one.’
‘I found this on his table in class,’
It is a piece of paper. A diary maybe. I read through and my eyes got teary.
I looked at her from faraway, besides Yoochun. I have spent many sleepless nights thinking of her, wishing to step forward and tell her how I felt about her, before it’s too late. Everyday I talk to her under the hugh tree. My heart full of unconditional love…
I have planned the best proposal for the girl of my dreams. It was a miracle how she came into my life and due to that I wanted it to be a miracle for her too to have the most envied proposal in the world.
But yesterday, Yoochun hyung told me that he had fallen in love with Min-yue. He asks me to help him to propose her before we go to Japan. What should I do? Yoochun begged me to help him. The only way is I need to let her for Yoochun. Kyo-hyun can help me, I think. This love needs a lot of sacrifice, why?
‘Actually, I’ve fell in love with Min-yue,’ Yoochun clear.
‘Have you…had you told Min-yue?’ Changmin want to confirm it.
‘Uhh…No…I don’t dare to confess my love to her…’ he replied.
‘Could you help me?’ Changmin heart’s stop pounding.
Changmin opened his mouth to say something when the bell rang at the same time, stating that recess time is over. Without saying anything else, Yoochun quickly returned to the class. Changmin was left alone in the corridor, feeling puzzled.
` But why did you leave me?’
Changmin is silent, his large, dark eyes filled with an emotion I cannot find a name for.
‘I’m sorry,’ he sighs.
‘You have to learn to move without me, Min-yue,’
Something inside me snaps.
‘Do you think I haven’t tried?’ I say loudly, close to shouting.
‘I’ve done almost everything to forget you! Learning to survive without you!
His cool touch, pat on me even through the fabrics of mine.
‘I can’t do this. Why am I the only one who’s left behind?’
‘Believe me, Min-yue,’ Changmin worries his lips before saying
‘If I had a choice, I’ve never left you behind.’
‘Do you think you will be able to come here again?’ I moan.
‘Stop wallowing, Min-yue,’
Changmin says ‘You’ll be find without me, I know you will. Yoochun is still here,’
I pick the falling leaves ‘I know I won’t. You know that Kyo-hyun love Yoochun more than I do? So, he is hers. She deserved his love.’
A tear slips out of the corner of my eyes and Changmin’s answering touch is as light as the wind.
‘Autumn has always spelled loneliness of me,’ Changmin say while we are lying on the ground amongst the red maple leaves.
‘Do you miss me?’ Changmin asks, never the subtle one.
I laugh sound so hollow. ‘How could I not, oppa?’
‘The seasons always change the weather, but can weather change your love for me?’ Changmin whisper to my ear.
‘No, forever my love is for you.’
He hugs me from the back but the time is too envious with us.
I touch his hand but slowly I can feel the air hugging me. He’s gone.
‘Changmin’ my tears crash again.
I fall asleep not long after that, the light breeze and the taste of autumn on my tongue having some sort of effect on my eyelids.
When I wake up, a glance at my watch tell me that it is dawn now.
I stand up, brushing leaves off my dress and then I register that Changmin is gone.
I make my way back to my house slowly, feet tripping over invisible obstacles and eyes swollen. When I reach the door, my hand pausing on the doorknob, realizing that there’s nothing interesting anymore. I end up curling on the bed and waiting for morning to arrive.
Barami momun gu shigan jocha
Naegen nomu mojarangol
Hanbone miso majimak insa
(Even that time when the wind stays)
(It’s not enough for me)
(I smile one more time and give my final greeting)
(I love you)
The never-ending songs that fill my heart
How nice would it be if only I could sing it for you
How beautiful would it be
The songs I built up while waiting for you like this
While dreaming about you
Don't worry, you can go
You can go anywhere
A small road that just appeared in front of you
Hold me hand
So that I can feel you
If only I can do that
Be like this forever
Listen to my song
So that I can dream of you
If only I can do that
Be like this forever
‘What such a nice voice!’ I clap my hand.
‘Now go to sleep. I’m going home to sleep too,’ Changmin pull my blanket on me.
‘Good night, my love,’ I say it to him.
‘Don’t forget to wear something girly tomorrow,’
He smile and switch off the light.
I’m so stupid because I wouldn’t admit my feeling toward him that time. Yes, I had fallen for him. I was too afraid that I would lose him. I wanted to maintain our friendship. But now, I had lost him.
I feel soft touch at my head. It is too hard to open my eyes. There is a familiar shadow smiling with tears to me.
‘Why you’re here?’ I say in mock-anger.
‘Because I miss you,’
‘I can’t live without you,’
‘Love, I think, is like a drug. You get a dose of it and you crave more and more, your world brimming over with explosions of colors. And when you lose it, when you can’t get anymore of it, your world reverts back to its black and white like before,’ Changmin stare at me.
‘Min-yue-ah, please go back to sleep.’
‘Since you’re leaving, all the more I’m not sleeping.’ I say stubbornly.
‘I don’t want you to watch me go,’ Changmin voice is quiet, but for some reason I can still hear him.
My eyes flash to the clock on the wall. Eleven twenty-seven P.M.
‘I want to watch you go to sleep,’ Changmin continues. ‘One last time, Min-yue, please?’
I stare at him, his eyes so alive, so different from the precious time I saw him.
When I finally nod, his mouth melts into a smile.
‘Close your eyes,’ Changmin orders.
‘Will you come here again?’
‘Forever in your heart,’
I obey with something that feels like trepidation, obliges, lying down so that my head is settled on Changmin’s lap.
He sings quietly, but his voice still stands out amongst the hum of traffic and nightlife.
Shigane jichodo sarange apado
Gu shigan jocha chuogigo
Majimak insa haneyo
Fly away, fly away love
Fly away, fly away love
Fly away, fly away love
Nesenge dan hambone saranga anyeong
(I’m tired now and love hurts)
(About even if that time is just a memory)
(I have to give my final greeting)
(I love you, I love you)
(Fly away, fly away love)
(In the afterlife I will greet my love again)
‘You know what; the point of meeting is for the eventual goodbye,’ Changmin says it at last.
‘Do you think I don’t want to stay?’ he says, eyes worried.
‘I can’t. I just can’t,’ his voice cracks.
‘I hate you,’
‘I love you,’
I cry, clinging onto his clothes, desperate for him to take me along, whenever, forever.
‘We can love but it doesn’t mean we can own the love,’
Midnight is inching closer with every fear, every smile, every laugh, every beat of my heart.
When I hear the beep of the clock, my breathing stop. I’m holding to nothing but air.
A whole new world without Changmin.
I cry to sleep with my head against the door, breathing in the last vestiges of Shim Changmin.
‘Min-yue, sorry for loving you.’
2 years later…
‘Min-yue! You’ll attend my wedding, right?’ I am startled from my day dream when Yoochun spoke suddenly. In a few days more, Yoochun will marry Kyo-hyun.
Since Changmin is gone, I break up with Yoochun for a very strong reason.
‘Do you realize that Kyo-hyun loves you, oppa?’
‘She takes a very good care of you everyday when you’re in coma,’
He understands and starts up a relationship and ends up with a beautiful marriage.
‘We will still be a best friend, is it?’
Me? After the graduation, I become DBSK’s new manager and spoke-man. And Changmin part had been replace with a new member. He is good but not as caring and understandings like Changmin.
‘I will take a leave on this holiday, guys,’ I announce in the meeting.
‘I’ve told you earlier. You should take a rest previously,’ Yunho push my head softly.
‘Don’t do that, hyung,’ Hwan-seo, dongsaeng shouts to him.
‘Hmm, without Min-yue, who will manage our schedule? With her as our manager, you see, we get more rest and relax,’ Jaejoong pat my head.
‘I’m proud of you, Min-yue. You’re very tough. Still can survive without him. Love is very undividable,’ Junsu claps my shoulder.
‘I won’t forget him,’ I laugh so hollow.
‘Where is Yoochun, manager?’ They ask me.
‘Of course he is on the honeymoon, that why I’m going to a leave and you all…’
‘Is going on the holiday too!!!!’ they shout together. Yunho make a crazy holiday dance. Jaejoong pull him to sit back. ‘Very naughty this old man.’
‘So, when you’re obtainable the holidays?’
‘Tomorrow morning. A week at my hometown and a week to Chinchon, you know, vacation,’ I smile so broad.
‘Have a nice holiday, Min-yue dongsaeng,’ they cheer together.
I still remember the last night of October
We separated after leaving indefinable words
Was your gloomy face, the truth?
Will I have to forget you without even trying to explain?
The returning seasons give me dreams
Yet, impossible dreams are sad, they make me cry
A week at the hometown is very meaningful to me.
Then, a week at Chinchon, a small village afar from the city.
Without knowing anyone here, I can feel the breeze, cold and peace.
It makes me remember a moment with Changmin and forget almost the work, DBSK and the business.
`Where are you now, oppa?’ my heart moans.
‘In your heart always,’ a whisper in my head snap.
As I’m walking, I see a man under a hugh, shady maple tree. He is reading while hearing to music, just like what Changmin always do when he wait for me. I get closer to him and I’m shaken.
‘His face is …’ my heart stop pounding.
He realizes my attention and asks ‘You want to sit here too?’
My tears drop onto the ground.
‘Why are you crying, have I made wrong? You’re Min-yue, right?’ he wipes my tears.
‘How do you know my name?’
Wait me under a hugh tree.
- Min-yue -
Our eyes meet. And this time I won’t let it go like the first time.
At last he hugs me. ‘You’re the woman I’ve been dreaming.’
‘Thank you, Changmin.’ My heart gasps the fresh air. ‘Love is never gone,’ Changmin smiles when he watches Min-yue holding hand with Seung-woo behind the tree before he fades in the sunlight.