To Sum Up the Tiredness
Friday, February 14, 2014Today is Valentine's Day. Well, sorry I don't celebrate it so let's skip to the main point.
Today is Friday, the weekend, yes I'm still working with the HTML by the way. The reason I write this post is to tell everyone how the summation of tired can kill you both inside and outside.
This semester, I don't know, I have been burdened with a massive number of assignments, including proposals and reports and everything that I don't know how to do it and the worst part is, I don't know what it is. So, a number of hard work had been added to my leisure life and I need to apply multi-tasking to finish all those workloads. There were a lot of nights that I don't have a chance of closing my eyes without completing the tasks and there were a lot of days that I don't even have a nap. There were also some days that I need to sleep very late then wake up early in the morning. The short version is I don't have enough sleep which make my brain low battery.
But I don't hate the lifestyle eventhough I'm not a workaholic. My body is adapting it very well without any symptom of dying. The only thing that I want to highlight is, when it comes to the weekend, all those tired will be total up and you will feel fatigue, the feeling of dying and yet, you still need to work in the weekend. The body condition? Don't even mention it. Dull eyes, nothing to shine anymore.
And this semester also that I feel like my performance has decrease. I don't know why but I really don't like it. I feel tired for everything eventhough I tried my best. Perhaps because this semester started with a rejection of my assignment and perhaps I choose wrong people for my group which makes me work triple harder than before, I don't know.
People seems to be so carefree which makes my heart burns in fire. I even cry when I listened to a motivational Malay song, unconditionally. I wonder sometimes, why people tend to be so selfish? Even to their own friends? Everyone are busy so selfish is not something that you can carry around with you. This is because I was finishing a report which I suppose not and I have a test on the next day, well I don't do any revision yet. But I see people are being carefree and have time to study for the test. Well, it is not serious but when you are loaded with work, that small thing really make you want to burst. When asked for reason, the respond will be like "I'm not smart like you, I'm slow..." Whatever else. Well, that is not a reason. Put yourself in my shoes then speak.
I know this is not anyone's fault but still, I don't like it. I just want someone to appreciate what I do, because I'm not doing it for my self but for everyone. I want everyone to have the taste of success which I have before. Don't expect me to do everything in a perfect way. Don't expect me to correct everything until it is perfect. Just don't give me a shit and the expect me to turn them into crystal.
Yeah, at least show some effort and interest. I have my own standards in determining people. I know you all have them too but mine is quite a higher level because I don't trust people easily. I always highlight my weaknesses in order to make people feel comfortable being with me and stop calling me a perfectionist. Yes, I am not a perfectionist. I do procrastinate, always, with my laundry for example, well that is not a procrastination. That is lazy.
I play when it is time to play but have you see me play? My playtime is actually filled with work. And when I see people play while work and play when to play, seriously I get mad inside. Especially when people being carefree and sleep a lot everytime they can close their eyes and that time, I'm working. Yes, if you is in my place, won't you get angry? If no, you're an angel but even angel also get angry to people like that, isn't it? I minimised my sleeping time but others? Yes, I'm sorry but I observed and calculated how much people around me sleep compared to myself. Well, I can even plot a graph.
I know I hold the title of project manager or director. In short, a leader in most of the work division. Well, that doesn't mean that I can rest myself from doing work and just monitor my staff to do it. It also don't mean that I need to do everything for the task. Being a leader is not a simple thing. You have some kind of responsibility on your shoulders which you carry around. Well, that's why a leader deserves some respect. I don't really need those thing. Instead, give me your effort and concern. That will be more than enough compared to earning some respect. I don't mean that people to not respect me.
I don't eat people. I'm not a Cannibal. Please don't afraid to ask or say anything to me. I know my appearance and face expression never a better one but still, speak. I might react or reject but that is after I hear you. I do think, my dear. I might be a person with short-tempered and egoist but if you prefer me as your friend, you should know how I deal with that problem.
All this annoyance happened maybe because I'm tired, in stressing condition and yes, because Allah is testing me.
And one more thing before I end this session, I would like all my friends to acknowledge that I don't have any love relationship with Fuad and please stop mocking us. It is annoying and it damaged our friend relationship, I mean we become awkward day by day. I'm sorry because me myself is not prepared to have any love relationship because I'm not ready and I won't be ready. I leave that affair to Allah to choose for me. If he is meant to me, then we will be together. If not, then perhaps Allah has His own arrangement for me.
I guess the explanations are far away from the main topic but I need to write to release my tension. Thank you for bearing with me and reading the post and sorry if anyone take heart from my writing. I really don't mean them to you.
I found this quote from people who are tired, perhaps, but it really touched my heart.
I don't think they realise how sleepless nights can affect you or how overthinking slowly kills you. I don't think they know how it can turn your mind into thoughts you wish weren't yours. And it hurts that I can't be what everyone wants or what anyone needs and it hurts that I can't be what I want or what I need because I'm not enough and I won't be enough and I'll never be enough and I'll never be close to enough and I'm just so damn tired.
p/s: Sorry for grammatical mistakes. Please correct them yourself because I'm tired and off to sleep now, hahahahahahhaha.