Random thoughts on my mind that I want to spill out here.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014I don't care what you want to say when you read across this post. I can only write here as I have nobody to talk to. And I don't care if this post will tarnish my family name, which had been tarnished by their own wrongdoing. If you feel like "What the hell is she writing?" Well, get the hell out of here. And if you said I don't ever feel pain in my heart, you're wrong.
My dad changed. I barely recognise him now. The old him has gone. He seemed lost and...I don't know. And me, I keep losing respect to him. And here, I'm going to spill out what I'm keeping in my head. Dad, come back home. Just come back home. Please take back your responsibilities. Please think about us too. Please don't be selfish. Please don't run away from reality. Mom alone can't take them all.
Come back and find back your self. Gather back your thoughts. Find all those spirit to live. Because I can't hold the feeling any longer. Or I might leave you one day. Without turning back, without any regret. I'm really good in erasing memories.
The only thing he said to me before he went away is "My mom(grandma) said bad things to me. How can I be a good son to her? My siblings are chasing me out from my own place and keep saying bad things about me. How can I stand all that? My own mother neglect me and saying bad things to my family. How am I going to see her face with hatred in my heart? How can I live with her, an old woman, without any respect in my heart? How am I going to stay at the place with my brother misguiding his family and allow bad things to happen in the house while my family don't really behave like them? What can I do?" And now, he is running from the reality and expect that problems will solve themselves.
I know he had gone through a lot of bad things since we moved here, in grandma's house. It takes a lot of time for us to adapt the lifestyle here. Bad things, "maksiat" are everywhere but they just like "ah, that's just a common thing." It's like uncivilised citizens.
And I'm really envy to those that have good family line. Frankly speaking, I don't have one on both side. My cousin ran away from home (troubled teenager), my grandma keep praying on her to come home. Why don't you pray from other members to become successful, at least get into the university. Why don't you pray for rain in the afternoon as you're complaining what a hot day it is.
My thought is what is the good of her returning home? Neither her parent don't force her to get out from the house nor they're being abusive to her. She get out on her own will. If she come home, it will bring more trouble to the family. Her family don't even bother about her leaving but why, why grandma keep praying "Ya Allah, bagilah cucu aku, Nana balik." Every second, every minute. It hurts my self. Why would you pray for someone who has no gut of herself? Who don't have pride over herself? I don't say it is wrong. The best pray is in the silent. Not loudly at the hallway, not moaning after Solat. Not that.
After all, you started all this fuss, grandma. You created the misunderstanding and told every party a different story about others. They're your own children yet you have to play them using dirty trick. And now you're going to ask Allah's help without asking forgiveness from Him first? Don't you have any shame towards Him?
And Uncle, please don't talk about religion like a Sufi. You don't really fit to say any Islam's law, whether it is "haram" or whatever. Look at yourself. Look at your wife, look at your daughter, look at your son. Look at them. None of the have a long marriage. I'm not saying I'm good nor I'm the best but I don't even have a boyfriend, just because I want to keep my parent's names clean and respectful. At least, don't be a coward.
To be honest, I never want to live here. For me, moving here is the worst decision mom and dad made. Sometimes I thought, don't other siblings feel ashamed that me, the first granddaughter to be able to make in the university while none of the does? I'm the first daughter of my dad, who is the last son of 10 siblings in the family, the only person to have education in my head.
And now, even my dad is losing the will to break the line. The only person I have now is mom to support me. I don't have anyone else, not even my uncles and aunties. And mom keep reminding dad of getting divorce and about children losing respect to him. Well, we've lived up to almost 20 years together. Is divorce is the only way to settle this thing?
Mom keep telling me about what my dad's siblings said to her when they were a newly-wed. At that time, my mom is a housewife and my dad is just a lorry driver. She is really good in sewing and make my clothes from pieces. It is called patchwork. What they said to her is "People nowadays don't really wear those kind of clothes anymore, don't you have any money to buy your daughter a better clothing?" They come back from holidays, buying expensive things to give to me but then mom said to my dad "If you feed my daughter with those thing, I will burn them together with you." She have a very strong will, seriously. My grandma always said to me when I'm a little girl, that my mom is a bad woman. How come is she a bad woman as she is keeping me alive, taking care of me and feeding me?
She used to feed me with seafood while I'm still a baby so I will have a strong body immunisation and my grandma always scold her for doing that but she just said "She is my daughter. I know what to do with her. Don't be a meddlesome in my family business." My parents used to punish me when I did wrong when I'm a child. I always think that it is unjust but now, I'm really thankful to them. My grandma said "Are you going to kill your child?" No, grandma. They are educating me so I won't follow my cousins' bad behaviours. So I won't be like the rest.
And now things start to reverse. Karma law isn't it? Mom said "Now, who is wearing used clothes? Who is asking for help? Who is having bad children?" And we're taking care of grandma now. My mom do, not me. I feel hateful when I see grandma's face and the rest of my kinsfolk. I feel like holding a revolver and shoot their brain out of their head.
I don't want to cry. I hate crying as I hate to get injection but people keep forcing me to cry. And this thing is like a curse upon my big family. The only way to break them is to declare myself out from the family tree. Perhaps if I get married, I will have a good family in-law that I don't get to feel on my own.
When our house is completed, we will move out, grandma. Don't worry. This rude grandchild will never see your face again, will never ever be in this house again. and you don't even bother to visit us. You're not welcome.
And I pray to Allah, to let me finish my study and have a good job so I can take my parents with me and leave this place, never to return. Perhaps London. Mom is already learning basic English and she said "I need to be in the same level to you as you're my daughter". And I will make them(bad people) pay the price of what they have done to us, never to regret.
But the bad thing now is dad will not come back home until grandma leave. I never predict that this thing will fall to my small family, dad is leaving and mom is doing everything. What a miserable life.
p/s: I really wish this holiday will be shorter and our house finished. I'm really sorry to say these things here but where else I can spill all of this thoughts? And sorry again for my grammar.