Tuesday, December 9, 2014
The point of writing this entry is I've been hurting people lately...with sarcasm...and direct points straight to their face. Aha! The good thing about it is I'm being frank to them. The bad side is I felt bad after that and I wish I don't say them. Well, I know sarcasm is very bad towards people who don't really know me. Most people see me as a quite good, quiet demeanour and well-mannered girl. Well, I don't. I live with sarcasm, a severe sarcasm behaviour. For me, sarcasm make me talks about things without hurting but recently I think I'm wrong based on people's reactions. What is sarcasm? Well, you can goggled them or based on what I found is this.
You will say why don't I go to the people, explain this to them instead of mumbling here? Seriously dudes, I don't have the courage. I'm not a coward but to ask people to understand my bad behaviour is just not fair to them. If I do so, who will understand their bad behaviour? Well, I can't. I can't even take criticism into my account then I am to understand people's behaviour? That's a bad side of me. I know people surround me are getting tired with myself and seriously I don't blame them. I've changed since my high school years into another person.
I can see myself change clearly. Back in those years, I don't even talk to my classmates but now, I'm hurting people with my talking and sarcasm (well, I thought so). If I can conduct a research on my changing behaviour, I think I can predict people's responds. I used to be quiet because I don't really fit into the society that time but here, as I'm involving with more people around my country who have about 1001 different behaviour from me, I start to talk a lot about a lot of info and nonsense things. I feel comfortable that I'm able to share a lot of things with them.
But those comfort only belong to me now. People don't. I feel like they're drifting away from me as I'm in my final semester now. It is me who make them go away slowly. I pushed them to the corner that they need to find a larger space rather than be in my small space. I got that but seriously, sarcasm do protect me. I don't know how and why but it has become a habit to me that's gonna take quite a time for me to change. I know I will be alone at the end, standing at the end of the road, in front of me is a junction. People take a way while I go another way, alone. It's always like that. I'm used to it and because of that, I don't really trust anyone but me because it's me that only survive with me, not people. "Alone is all I have, alone protects me."
I know it is so discouraging but this thing is one of the matters that motivate me to wake up every morning without going back to sleep, without having a fear or stepping forward or gasping the air above me. I will stand on my hall of fame, either with people or alone. There's no regret in it nor hesitant.
p/s: No p/s this time. I'm not in mood to mind my grammar too.