The songs from a person called human.

p/s: No matter how gifted you are, not everyone is gonna like you.
Monday, May 18, 2015
I found this entry on my cousin's blog when she wrote about friends. The point is that what she highlighted is what I felt before with my friends that I mentioned in my previous post. So, I will put some quotes and stories from her entry so that people who think that they had a friendship problem with me will understand what I feel and what I think. Truthfully I'm no good in maintaining friendship. I'm used to be alone but I tried to change it. To you cousin, I'm very thankful.


FRIENDS. What is friends?

When telling to people our private life, we consider them as a friend. Well, they are no friend. They just our diary. We tell them what we want to tell and we cry in front of them when we want to. They just listen, sometimes they respond. Sometimes, they cry too. As if they know what we're going through.

I feel so weird. 

' Why can't I find a friend in my own course? '

Which I questioned this several times to myself. Why? Are my life so pathetic? Am I not being friendly enough? Why? Why? Why?

There's one person. Nope. Two. Masa awal semester dulu. Sekarang, yang sorang dah kahwin. They. Kalau pergi mana-mana, mesti aku dengan mereka. Makan ke. Pergi kelas ke. Even in assignments. Aku dengan mereka. I feel like,

' Oh, they must be my friend. '

Dalam kami bertiga, hanya aku ada lesen motor. Which cannot ride more than two. Yang lagi sorang terpaksa tinggal. And then, merajuk. Aku pulak jenis tak tahu nak pujuk. Biasa anak sulung dengan anak sulung ego yang tinggi ni, memang tak akan minta maaf. So, tindakan anak perempuan sorang ni lah yang boleh menyatukan kami balik. I don't remember when. Tapi,ada satu ketika, anak sulung ride motor with anak perempuan sorang ni. Masa tu yang pasti aku tiada di kampus. They've met an accident.

Start from there, kami bertiga mula berpecah. Tapi, kami ok kalau bertegur sapa, senyum and sembang-sembang. Serious ok. Cuma.....
Nak rapat macam dulu? *hurmm*

Aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa tak boleh. Hati ni terlalu keraskah?

But....never mind that one.

Lepas aku break off kerapatan aku dengan mereka, aku rapat dengan seorang ni. Kenal masa kami pergi Trip ke Miri sesama. Dia tua dari aku but I might say I'm so very matured than her. Kami pratikal sama. Aku pun ambil pengajaran dan iktibar dari persahabatan lepas supaya aku lebih menjaga sahabat aku yang kali ni.

I don't like her attitude. Why? Sebab...................dia ni gila dekat seorang lelaki. My coursemate too. My pratical mate too. There's one time yang mana sahabat aku ni datang bilik aku dengan menangis, masa tu aku baru balik meeting. Aku pun tutup pintu, kunci. I asked her,

" Why? "

She said,

" That guy ada awek baru. Dia baru clash dengan awek lama tapi dah dapat yang baru. Who am I to him? I sayang dekat dia. "

You got the point? Lelaki tu dah la playboy, pergi kelas tak pergi sama je. Macam takde masa depan. Dia tergila-gilakan lelaki yang langsung tak care pasal dia. Lelaki tu pun bagi bantal, handphone dekat sahabat aku ni.

To me, that's coward. Pengecut yang hanya tahu mainkan perasaan wanita sebab dia tiada kekuatan nak bahagiakan wanita. Walaupun seorang. So, I couldn't say anything. Just listen. To her. All I want is her to forget that guy. Memang susah nak buang sayang tu dari dalam diri. But, she's not even trying ! Dia tak nak hilangkan rasa sayang kepada lelaki tu.

And start from mid sem break, I broke our tali persahabatan. To me, aku bukan sahabat dia. Sebab, aku ini hanya satu diary yang dia nak luahkan perassan, dia luahkan. Yang dia perlukan bahu untuk menangis, dia menangis. Of course she helped me so much but, I want my present can be seen and my absence are felt by her.

Sometimes, dia whatsapp aku cakap rindu zaman dulu. I replied,

' Oh, really? Tak boleh nak buat apa la sebab lain blok. '

She could not trace my another meaning of that sentence. I want us, to be like friend. Am I demanding too much?

Actually, aku tak tahulah definisi sahabat itu apa pada aku. Sebab, dengan lain course aku okay. Boleh bersahabat, bergelak, bernangis, berkuat, everything !

Apa yang dapat aku simpulkan, semakin banyak kita tahu pasal seseorang tu, kita yang akan rasa sakit. Sebab, kita tak boleh terima kelemahan dia. Sekarang, aku tak tahu nak cakap apa bila aku berhadapan dengan dia. Dia pun dah ada sahabat yang satu blok dengan dia which dia selalu hang out bersama. Aku pun dengan orang lain yang ada motor. Mungkin, kelemahan diri aku jugak sebab aku tak boleh terima dia lagi. Tapi, why can't she even sees this?

Adakalanya, hati kita ini menipu diri kita. Dia memperlihatkan bahawa kita sayang seseorang, padahal tidak. Sebenarnya kita memerlukan dia untuk kepentingan diri kita sendiri. Seriously aku cakap, kawan dekat U tak sama masa sekolah. Which I can describe, I miss my school friends more walaupun they gila-gila, hingusan. I don't mind sebab mereka boleh terima kelemahan aku and so do I. Kami sama-sama gelak ketawa, bahkan langsung tak ambil hati kalau memperlawakkan kelemahan masing-masing. It's been 9 years already and we can maintain that relationship. 

(In this case, I back-off. I don't have any good friendship with friends from school. We just...friends, no more than that)

Memang, ada kalanya aku rasa kesepian. My own course mate pun aku tahu apa yang mereka fikir. Mereka fikir aku tak tahu jaga kawan, I'm pathetic for being alone. But I don't mind. Hati aku, fikiran aku, jasad, roh, semua di tangan Tuhan. Yang Maha Perkasa. 
For last,

I'm so sorry apa yang telah aku lakukan sepanjang hidup aku. Semoga dengan cebisan maaf ini mampu menjadi jawapan kepada tuntutan mereka di akhirat kelak. From deepest of me.

To them, I am so sorry for unable to get back to you guys. Hati aku dah tak boleh terima. Dah tak boleh nak hang out dengan korang semua. Maybe it is my own problem, so that's why aku minta maaf. Aku lemah dan lemas dalam nafsu aku sendiri. Sekali lagi, aku minta maaf. Maaf, sahabat.

P/s: Cousin, if this thing is not supposed to be published, pray tell me, okay? I just feel like I'm in a situation like yours too for now.

Credit: Live, Learn, Love

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