Saturday, June 18, 2016
Yesterday was the moment when I submitted the last assignment for this semester. Well, that marked that there are about a week before the final exam, which I have just a paper before I go home for the semester break. Actually, I don't know what to write here and my English is kinda obsolete. So, I'll just blabber about anything and you are free to blabber with me.
It is the fasting month for us, Muslims and yeah, I'm fasting. Before that, I've deleted my Facebook and Instagram account and have no intention of recreating them again until it is really needed. I'm keeping my life low and I don't really want to share everything to people I don't even know in real life. I guess it is enough for me and people around me to feel the moment, not sharing it with the world. I don't want that one day, people judge me based on what I said on social media and that thing shadowed the real me. I want to minimise the feeds and filter the information to just what I need to know only, not something I might say "malicious". I'm a sinner and I need to limit the sins I make everyday, haha. Besides, I don't really have anything amazing happened to me, if so, I have a blog.
Back to the main point, I'm fasting. This is the first Ramadan in Puncak Perdana. Thankfully, I won't stay here for long, not until Eid as I just have one paper and then I will be going home for maybe 2 months, who know. So, I can spend some time with my family before Eid and cook a lot of delicious foods for them, laugh and do everything that other family do. To be honest, I kinda jealous of people who have a good relation with their family, people who can going back and forth from home and I don't know, call their parents everyday? That doesn't mean that I don't have a good relation with my family. That's because I don't do that often as I don't really have a strong heart, mixing personal with study, my heart will yearn for home if I ever do that.
My parents once said, "don't think about home if you cannot succeed in your study first. Be a successful person then you can have a successful life. You just have to know that we are here, supporting you with the utmost of our heart, just have faith that we love you." I guess you can simply say I love you but to prove it, it requires sacrifice until you obtain the true meaning of love, not just to yourself but to your family too. So, to prove my love for my parents, I will bring the honor and success to them, making them proud of me and not regretting for sacrificing everything for me, InsyaAllah.
Today, it is raining heavily. Well, everybody's home and I might say, I'm alone. I just rolled on bed until late evening. So, I decided to ask Min to accompany me for breaking fast. Sometimes I feel terrible to her. Because the moment I'm alone, I will always find her and ask her to be with me whenever possible. I was never by her side whenever she is alone. I'm that kind of friend, seriously. Whenever I'm tired with something, I will left it and go find another, vice versa. I hate being alone, I hate the silence. Because for me, silence and peace is only when I'm mad and I need space to think. I'm quite a perfectionist when it comes to work. I like everything to be complete and perfect, especially in format, arrangement and due date. So, I will get mad and depress over something that is done poorly, miserably and ignorantly. Because if I can do it nicely, why not you? What make us different?
Since people knew how I work, they tend to disappoint me sometimes. They keep making the same mistakes over and over and yet, sorry seems the hardest word to say. They talked big then they handed small, poorly done work. What do you take me for? What do you think I am? What do you expect me to say for such thing? I don't care about anything else except for my grade. Because being me is not something you think, easy. It was never easy. I have no choice in getting good grade or bad grade. I never have the choice of failing. My life is always about success. People see me as a model of smart and hardworking and I don't know what else. People put a lot of hopes on me, especially my parents. So for me to fail, I have no say in that. I always have to find the ways of getting the best, I can't stop from digging for the success.
So, for someone who think, "yeah, she can do it, she can even take care the rest of the job" is the most selfish thing you can think of me. Yet, I never complain because that is my life, my concern, not yours. I know I'm not that perfect, I'm not being arrogantly genius or whatever you would call me. I just wish you would have a slight consideration and slight improvement on how you do your job that's related to my job since you claimed that you know me so well. I don't care about what you tell the others about me, I don't established my reputation based on your sayings. Stop making me disappointed and thinking that you are no different with the rest, that will be so bad of me. I'm sure you know that well too.
So, I don't know about the next semester. I haven't decided the electives and I don't know who will be my group mates, will it be the same or I have to make some changes. Because I'm quite old to cover for people now. I'm too tired for clarifying and rectifying everything and making people tired of myself for being too "shrewish" and controlling.
About love, hmmm this is quite a serious issue for me. That's because everyone is conscious and mindful of who I love. Well, I appreciated those concerns and I'm happy because everyone wished for my happiness. I'm grateful but then, I'm a little worried. People are so hopeful and they are wishing for something that even I can't confirm it will happen. I don't like building hopes and then, that's unrequited love for me. The other person don't have any feeling for me except for friend. That would hurt me like hell. Malays said "bertepuk sebelah tangan". God, I hate that. Unless it is totally confirmed, at ease, soldier. A friend asked me about what kind of man do I prefer. Will I just accept anyone who confessed to me? Well, yes. Why? Because to find someone who like and love the good and the bad me is very difficult. Not to mention, brave enough to confess to me.
It is not like being a friend, you know the good me and that's it. You never like the bad me. I'm like a bipolar person, perhaps the only best quality I have is loyalty. Even that wanders sometimes. I'm not good, not pretty, not patient, fierce (mom said) and more. So, if there is a person come out and said, "I like you", what else can I ask for? I'm even thankful that I have friends at this moment. Referring to the statement before, I'm an arrogant person with high ego but the thing that I can guarantee is I respect people the way they deserve it, not how the surrounding treat them. I never downgraded people unless they do that themselves. I always try to improve myself so I won't be any burden to others and I know how to be rational even in times that I'm not in my right mind. I still know that the very least.
Perhaps I'll just focus on my study for now. That's the best love for me.
Perhaps I'll just focus on my study for now. That's the best love for me.
Wow, I just realized that I've wrote about a mile now. I'm just getting excited to write more but I guess it will be just another useless scribbling but who care, this is my blog after all. Happy fasting to Muslims all over the world. Last but not least, Islam is not terrorism, people are. Don't label Muslims as terrorist as you don't even know us to judge based on those little information you have. See beyond the wall, people. Be smart. Tehee.