Sunday, July 24, 2016
The curtain comes down (my breath is getting shorter)
I feel so complicated (I breathe out)
Did I make any mistakes today
How were the expressions on the audience?
When I get on empty stage
I get scared from the emptiness
Between complicated feelings and the intersectionalities of life
I pretend like I’m numb
This isn’t my first time, it’s about time I get used to it
I try to hide it but I can’t
When the empty stage starts to cool down
I turn around with the empty house behind me
I console myself
I tell myself that there is no such thing as a perfect world
I slowly empty myself
I can’t always get a big standing ovation every time
I shamelessly keep telling myself
Raise your voice higher and farther
There is no such thing as an eternal audience but I will still sing
I want to be myself today forever
Forever we are young
Amidst the scattering rain of flower petals
I run, wandering through this maze
Forever we are young
I may fall down and get hurt
But I still run endlessly towards my dreams
I was listening to BTS's song, Epilogue: Young Forever while doing kitchen's chores as always and suddenly I was wondering what this song is about? What is it that they are singing? Why is the title is like that? And I googled out just to find it so meaningful.
I'm wondering, is there still some teenagers out there that feel like killing themselves? Committing suicide? I'm asking this to everyone. Perhaps there are some out there. I'm wondering what can I do to help them and the only thing I can do is writing here. There maybe someone who is being abused or stressed or depressed or being held in a situation that they can't cope. I'm here not to tell you to be patient or what, I'm trying to listen to you. Tell me, perhaps there is something I might be able to help.
If you ever reading my blog for quite some times, you may know that I tried to kill myself once. I'm not lying. I got depression and all those kind of thoughts rushed into my mind. I blamed myself for everything. I hate everyone and I hate myself for making me for who I am that time. I cried and cried and isolated myself from everyone. I barely talk and barely smile. My academic crumbled down and everything felt apart. I wondered why I am me. I struggled with people and with success and expectation and reality and everything. But at the end, there was something that save me. Me. I save myself.
I know some of you might said, "Well, easy for you to say. You case is different. You are strong." No, no and no. What make depression and stress different? Is there any indicator to make the difference? No. It was never different to anyone, especially among adults. I'm saying this as a person who has her own story and experience. During those period, I felt lifeless and that makes me think, what make it different from dying? I think it over and over and cried and cried and then everyone hates me, I abandoned people around me and eventually I abandoned myself. It was so terrible and I don't want to go through that phase again.
So, here I'm telling you. If you are depressed or stressed or having trouble with your life or felt like killing yourself, just stop for a while. I'm asking you, please be cool for awhile. I know that is hard and I'm not really a great person to tell you all of this crap but just for a percent, listen. Go find someone that you can talk to. Someone that will listen to you and comfort you. That's not necessarily your parents or your family. It can be your friend or outsider. In my case, I seek a counselor. Because a counselor's principle is to keep secret of the client. And trust me, he/she will lay out hundreds of ways to help you. Some of them are something that you can't even imagine it ever existed.
Others may be...get out from where you're being. Get out from where you're sitting. If you're in your room, get out to the garden or shopping complex or your friend's house. Do some physical movement. Cycling or jogging do help. I can't really give science facts here why you should do that but it helps regulate your body. Go to beach, swim or do whatever people do at the beach, just don't drown yourself. Go to karaoke room and sing out of your breath. Sing your favorite songs, laugh and dance all you want.
Last but not least, love yourself. I used to hate myself but now, I do love myself. At least I'm trying to love myself. Accept ourselves for whoever we are, there is something that other people don't have what we have. Life is filled with obstacles and our job is to jump over them and be happy. Find your happiness and live with it. There are people who will loves you and you gotta find them. Remember, other people sacrifice to see us happy and success, and we need to be grateful that we're even living on this world. There are people who are being killed in war or fighting a disease, praying to live day by day. So why we should wishing for death? Love yourself and people who loves you.
I'm so thankful that I'm out from "dying" thought eventhough there are times I felt so depressed. And I wish I can help others in coping with it. Never be sorry for being yourself, for being depressed. It is just natural for you to feel it. It's just that you have trouble coping and you need help to get out of it. It is never easy and yeah, fight for it, fight for your dreams.
And you can write to me if you want. I will listen and perhaps that is what you actually needed. A person to listen to you. Killing yourself is never freeing yourself. It just left another big burden and might lead to another depression of other people and that cycle will go round and round, never ending. Happy and sadness are a part of our life. We need to accept it in order to create a complete story of ours. It might come in hard way but it will become another piece of memory that when you look back later, will make you smile and treasure what you have.
p/s: my English is never getting better. I don't know why I'm getting so emotional thinking about this.