The songs from a person called human.

p/s: No matter how gifted you are, not everyone is gonna like you.
Lament of a Lad
Monday, August 29, 2016
I don’t have an Internet connection so I’m writing this entry using Word then publish it.

Well, I have a lot to say, I’m gathering all courage and energy left in me, I’m afraid it will be a little longer this time. Just a little longer. Where did I stop at the last entry? Yeap, “Young Forever”. Or is it “Forever Young”? Actually, whatever I wrote in the last entry, I would like to retract it back. That is because they doesn’t work and that entry was awfully written in the time of my happiness period.

On 12 August, I received my 4th semester result and they are terrible (I’m not showing them here, I can’t see it ruining my wall of lament). Well, that’s my standard for the result. I don’t know if you would have other saying in it. It dropped and I lost the title of a Dean Lister. I won’t repeat. I mourn the result for three days and decided to go for a recheck but some technical problems suddenly appeared everywhere so I asked my lecturer’s opinion and mourn another 4 days for her to recheck the paper. Sadly, there is nothing that can fix my result. I mean, she can’t find anything to help me. Well, that’s her problem coming up. But I should agree that I’m just a careless lad this time. I guess too much confident will bring doom. And that is true, people.

And to my friends who got the Dean List, I sincerely congratulate you. That’s your efforts and hard work and that worth it. What I’m going to write here has nothing to do with yours in any way or any sort of matter. What I’m going to write is just grieve of my heart of not getting the good result. Not as a form of resentment or whatever bad thoughts you’re thinking. It is about me and me only. I need to express it or it will later explode or worse, it will turn sour between us. Stop reading right now if you ever feel that way.

That one week of mourning, I felt so terrible. I’m unable to talk, smile or look at other people. I felt like they are smirking at me, laughing my face off. I can’t breathe. I felt a huge lump in my throat. I don’t know whether it is a physical or imaginary bulge. Just don’t judge me at this point (if you are still reading until here). Basically I haven’t ever received “Pass” result. I haven’t had the feeling of not getting good result. But this time, the table turned. I did receive a not-so-good result. It is a fail. So, I just cried. And cried. And cried. For a week? Ha-ha, yes. Then when I got the answer of my lecturer unable to help me with the mark, I cried again for days. Luckily, I don’t get blind.

People would usually said, why can’t I accept the fact already? “Come on, move on”. Blah, blah, blah. Here, let me rectify the matter. Let's get the feeling.

I worked hard. I know that others did work hard too but this is not about them. This is about me. For that semester, I really work hard. I always work hard for every semester for the sake of me and my friends. The thoughts of us being successful and happy together never leave my head ever since I called them “friends”. Eventhough I always get the title, I would try not to leave anyone or cast them out of my circle. I’ll just drag everyone with me. Because we’re friend and I think we just need to stick together. And I always think that I need to work twice harder in order for us to be good (with my bad personality, triple harder). I thought me giving everything will ensure a good result but at the end of the day, I was wrong.

I just fell hard on the floor and the bad thing is I can’t get up. I can’t move. I can’t accept the fact that I don’t get the DL with such a small number different. I’m so depressed and a lot of thoughts came rushing into my head like fireworks. Trust me, none of them were good. I felt tired. The tiredness from the work of that semester summed up and hit me like a fucking big bullet. The regret of quitting everything before and for going over my parent’s advice, I can practically felt the pain in my chest. I mean I’m tired from the other semesters back then, but when I got good results, it doesn’t hit me this hard. I just felt relieved that they were paid off. And this time, it doesn’t. Sorry for repeating but I’m just too fuckin disappointed.

I can’t face people like this. It tarnished my so-high pride. They laugh, they smirk, they speak, and they just do anything. I can see it on their faces. It’s like I’m watching a movie about a ridiculous me. People just said its fine, stay strong, and don’t give up. They said it more and more and some just don’t care. It’s not that I don’t appreciate that but it is just a courtesy to a broken soul that they can do nothing about. I just don’t know how to deal with it and I felt like quitting. But then mom said, what are you going to do with future failure? Look at people and face them (Yasmin said this, I think she said it). Gosh, it is a scary world where we’re growing up, isn’t it?

I did try to move on, people. I tried to accept the fact. I tried hard. But I can’t. I closed my eyes tight; I covered my ears, silent. Clasping hands and shedding off tears. I gasped for air, my chest suffocated. Heavily breathing and I felt strangled. I’m losing my feet, unable to squeeze out words. I felt cuts all over me, knife slicing, and the pain felt real. It is excruciating. The worst part is I can’t scream. World is like a living hell. Alhamdulillah, I was occupied with work (spending a month for a short internship at IJN).

I watched life-encouraging movies, listened to musical songs (which don’t really a big help), listened to BTS’s HYYH era songs since it is *recommended for broken soul* (which make me want to kill myself more but thank you for the great melody, I did enjoy them), I did more share at work, I ate good food, I talked to people. But none of these really helped. I want to sleep more but I’m afraid I won’t get up. I guess it will take a very long time to get my feet back to the ground. Let me enjoy this broken-hearted moment more before I became insane back. Thank you to people who listened to me. You’re such a great help and the encouragement did affect me.

And I just realized today how I was so unneeded, unimportant and so on. I don’t know I’ve become too clingy to people. I don’t know I’ve grown to need people so much that I can’t even make a decision on my own; I still need to be the first to ask about their opinions. I don’t know I’ve become too familiar with people now. And people hate that. They always do. I always tell people that I can’t handle rejection, all kind of rejection. And this time, they really crossed the line. I always try to pay attention to what people hate, what they like, what they’re feeling, anything about them but I guess it is not enough and people don’t ask for that. Perhaps I’m not paying enough attention or what? Why can’t anyone tell me? I’m just a waste of space, wasting time and energy to think of people. Why do I do that? Because I thought standing together is better than standing strong alone. Again, I’m wrong.
And confusion is circling me. Should I live or die? Should I go or stop? Should I stand or sit down? Should I stay or left?

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I guess I just need to walk forward while gathering my sanity along the way.

p/s: While I was on medication the other day, I drank carbonated drink (together with mixed emotions). I think I’m drunk in the way. Because I can’t think or walk straight at that moment (I banged the door) and I just laughed over something with a very little quantity of amusement. But I think I like the feeling of being drunk. That’s why, people, Islam prohibited drinking. It makes you forget for a while and regret it later.

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