Sunday, November 13, 2016I recreated my Twitter account just to see some discouragement from people who retweet things from other people since they can't say that on their own. I'm having a despair for this semester. The whole semester for real that I don't even stay up to finish a work that needed to be submitted the next day. Why? Probably people are tired hearing the reason.
I would describe myself as stubborn or maybe I just don't know the exact word to describe me yet. But the reason of me writing this is because last night I had a very terrible dream that made me have a fever this morning. A dream of people taking away things from me, one by one, up to my watch that I'm wearing at that time. Worst, I know those people.
It would be easy if I can really accept the reality, be positive and move on. But in my world, I can't. I still can't accept the failure and I still put the blame on people. I still can't talk about the matter and I always need to go out from here whenever my mind think about it. I don't have the energy, I felt like crying and I hate people. I can't solely accept that that's my fate and I need to embrace it. I want to let it out but how? I broke out to a friend before and I don't know why, it is still here, suffocating my chest. My neck felt tight, my chest filled with I don't know what.
Let me frank here. If you're my real world's friends, if you happened to read this entry, don't judge and blame me that this is written from my point of view and you should know that I always treasure my view first before anyone else. And I really hope this entry will help me let out the remaining frustration and despair that is killing me right now. Friends, you're really no use in my personal life. Is that the right word? I mean, in emotion. When I see a post said "If you have a friend, admit that you have a friend. Don't pick for them when you need them, don't throw them when you used them". Let me be real here. First, I never pick specifically who my friends are. Second, I don't really throw people away. Third, my friends don't really come for me if they want something especially in happy and sad time except for assignment. Fourth, I never use people, only people used me. Fifth, they never really there when I'm down unless I go find them so what are you expecting?
When I fail to get DL for the last semester, I still remembered who help me back to my feet. In those time, I was weeping, sighing, fighting with myself, and my friends, you don't really say anything. I tell you, I'm frustrated that all of you passed with flying color, exceeding me (some are not, but that's not the case), leaving only me behind. All those cheerful messages about your success don't really brighten my days, it kills me inside. At that time, after I said that I failed, you just said "really? don't give up...bla bla bla I'm not expecting to get this good result too bla bla bla" then you just walked away and pretend that nothing happened. And now you questioned why am I acting like this? You're not really here during those hard times and now, I'm just returning the favor. I live here in Shah Alam, far from home, far from everything and I don't have anyone to rely on here and yet, you leave me all alone. I know who I am and I don't really deserve any special treatment but seriously I'm not really happy with what I've helped you with so far. I don't care if you notice or not, but I really have done a lot to help you and DL is the only thing I hoped for to pay up all those things but, that only thing, reaped from me. What do you think of how I would react?
It is so hard to face people. All of those reputation I had, all destroyed in one stroke. I really would like to ask you this question. Do you think you really deserve it? Do you think I don't deserve it? If you ask me, I would say no, maybe to both questions. I know how you would react to this entry as I would do the same but when this happened, it makes me think, rethink and remember every details and moments that happened last semester that make me ask the questions. Because I'm not the one who will try to rise from the failure. I'm someone who will stay at place where I stopped. And you are caving hole at that place I'm standing. I try to think all positive about you guys, like maybe you pray more than me, recite the Al-Quran far more than me, did a lot of good deeds, study more than me, cover all the assignments, lead and direct each of them but at the end, my head just can't accept that. Why? Because I did that too. Why am I not getting the same result like I'm used to? Which part that I missed? Which assignment? Which deed? What made you received more? It make me furious and curious and killing. And yeap, I try to think that is your rezeki as well, and it is not my rezeki to get the DL. No worry.
The worst part is I disappointed my parents. I broke the promise of always getting excellent results while pursuing this field. And I don't really have any energy left to hold another promise to get an excellent result for this semester. I'm just too tired and too wasted for this.
I really wish that you would be the first to ask if I'm eaten, if I'm sick, waiting at the junction before me and not letting me wait for you everytime, not using earphones or whatsapp-ing, twitter-ing, instagram-ing while walking or while I'm talking and not to tell my bad traits to other people but that is due now. Those things you did really hurt my feeling, you know? I really felt all alone here in this strange place and you don't even care. You made all those years that we've known each other go to waste, you made me regret of what I ever done to help you but never mind, that is my disadvantage. I'm the real desperation. I just don't care anymore. I tried not to hurt you but this time, you really hurt me. And I don't have any reason to not to return the favor back.What I learnt is being you is all about being alone. Friends are nothing except frustration. And I'm the frustration. Feel free to walk away.